Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. I'm the Storyteller, your host for this evening. Tonight, I have a story from a newspaper critic and wrestling fan who is about to have a match the likes of which he's never seen. In this corner, from Bayou Rouge, LA., he is "The Reviewer" Stuart Charles! And in his opponent, from all parts of the globe, Woman Trouble! The best part about this match is that you don't need to pay-per-view, this one's on the house!
"I was hanging out at an iHop with some of my buddies after attending a wrestling show. About an hour later, Janet walked in with some of her friends. Janet is 5-9, so she stood out from the rest of her crew. She works for CCW (Capital City Wrestling), a local promotion in Bayou Rouge under the persona, “The Intimidator” Jade Law.
Due to her occupation, she travels out of town frequently. She has done house shows in New York, California, and was also invited to wrestle in Japan-- her proudest moment to date. Her goal is to someday wrestle for a mainstream promotion. For now, she’s here, about to hang out and chill with her friends after doing another show. It was a female entourage, so they caught my attention initially, but I don't pay them much mind from there. I continued to go in on my steak and scrambled eggs.
'Hey Stu, She's looking at you kid.' Peter said to me with a Humphrey Bogart impression, nudging his arm.
'Which one?'
'The tall blonde.'
'Whatever, dude. If you say so.'
'No seriously. Look over there.'
I took a gander and...there she was! Her light blue eyes stared directly at me from a distance. When our eyes meet, she gave me a smile and waved. I waved back. Of course, my friends egged it on, making it bigger than what it was.
'Come on guys, she's just being friendly.' I respond.
'A woman sees a table full of guys, but she acknowledges you,'David retorted. “'No dude. You're just downplaying it.'
David always could see through and call me out on my bullsh*t. He's a realist, and although I don't always like what he has to say, I know deep down, he's usually right, and that's the kind of guy I need as a friend. We get some flak from some because David’s the only black guy in the group, but it's by happenstance, we're not exclusive in terms of race.
I had a chance to talk to Janet afterwards. I didn't think a woman who is in the spotlight in this town would be interested in a guy like me. I've had my fair share of dates, but I've never dated a wrestler. She’s aware of who I am, particularly my work as a Reviewer for The Pelican, the town's magazine. As an analyst and long-time fan of wrestling, I offered a few critiques of her technique, which was pretty bold of me because I never stepped in the ring a day in my life, and there I was, telling her how to wrestle.
She looked at me momentarily. For a second, I thought she was about to give me that menacing look she gives her opponents before a match. 'You know what? My trainer made the same observations.' She acknowledged.
'You’re not angry with me?' He wondered.
'Not at all. I respect that you said what you felt and didn’t mince words. Most men seem to be intimidated by me. I don’t know why.'
Well, she stands at 5-9, weighs about 155 pounds, nice chisels in the right places. I think I know why most men are intimidated by her.
“Well, I criticize for a living.” I responded.
“But don’t go too far. I’d hate to have to twist that handsome face off your neck.”
My eyes bulge a little. Janet’s statements stopped me in my tracks. I wasn't sure if she was serious or joking. I was momentarily at a standstill, with a loss for words.
'I’m kidding, Stu,' She confirmed. 'Do you mind if I call you Stu?'
Her confirmation that she was playing relaxed me a little. After all, she’s not only a wrestler, but she has an MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) background, and is about to graduate to a brown belt in Shotokan karate to accompany her Amazon stature.
'No, I don’t mind. I mean, I’ve only been called that most of my life.' I laughed slightly.
'You have a sarcastic sense of humor. It’s kind of cute.'
'Do you mind if I call you...say tomorrow afternoon?'
'Sure, tomorrow afternoon is perfect. The best time will be after 4 o’clock. I’ll be done with my training by then.'
'Great. I’ll do that. Talk to you tomorrow.'
'Okay. Talk to you then.'
We exchanged numbers, greeted each other good night, and went our separate ways. As promised, I called her a little after 4 o’clock. We had a good conversation, and by the end of it, I set up a date for the two of us at Supreme Grill for the next night. Again, I have dated all types of women in my lifetime, but I never thought in my wildest dreams I would be dating a wrestler, nevertheless, a town superstar like Janet.
Five months into the relationship, things gradually turned sour. Janet turned out to be jealous, obsessive, and overprotective. If another woman looked at me, nevertheless, spoke to me, she flew off the handle. An example of this is an incident where a cashier simply smiled and asked me, 'Does that complete your order?' She had some choice words for her, and we argued all the way to her house, where I dropped her off. When out of town, she called and texted me constantly, not because she missed me so much, but to see if I was being faithful, or possibly catch me in the act of cheating on her.
Although I would assure and reassure her that there was no one else, jealousy and paranoia got the best of her. Most of my friends don’t believe me when I told them what was going on. In a conversation I had with David shortly thereafter, he told me if she was doing all of that, to let her go, that there were too many women out there to choose from, and she wasn't worth it.
I agreed with his practicality, but for some reason, I still held on to her. The final straw became when she started beating up women that she thought even looked at me with interest, which will typically be easy for a woman her size. She’s bigger than most women she will encounter, although size doesn’t always matter.
I called her earlier that day to inform her that we needed to talk. Coincidently, she had a few days off coming from a tour that week, and was coming by the house to cook dinner. It was upon her arrival that I laid the news on her.
'You’re breaking up with me?' She asked.
'Yes Janet. Do I have to spell it out for you?'
'No. No, you don’t. I have a question.'
'What is it?'
'Do you have life, health, and burial insurance?'
'I’m not those females that you beat up. You can’t intimidate me. Please leave.'
'After all we've been through? Why are you dong this? I love you, Stuart!'
'Too late, Janet. You blew it. For the last time...Please. Leave.'
She stood as firm as a bark tree, folded her arms, and gave her famous menacing look. 'Make me.'
15 minutes later, the police arrived. They laughed while taking down the report. They’re flabbergasted that a man called them to stop a woman from attacking him.
'Officers, what’s so funny?' He asked.
'You want us to rescue you from the little lady?' The laughing officer responded.
'Little lady? Her breasts are bigger than my head, and her thighs are bigger than half my body,' I replied. 'I had to wrestle with her the whole time before you guys arrived. I just pried my head out of her vice-grip headlock.'
The cops laughed even harder. 'What did you do to get out of it?' One of them asked.
'I elbowed her in the stomach,' I said. 'Her abs felt like steel. I’m surprised she felt it. I think my elbow is hurting more than she is.'
The laughter stopped immediately. 'You elbowed a lady in the stomach?' I was sternly asked.
'Yes sir. It was either that, or let her kill me. That wasn’t about to happen.'
When the officer is about to arrest me, Janet intervened, apologized, and pleaded with the officer to let me go, admitting that she started the altercation. The cop grants me request, but gives me a warning before leaving. One would think that using her Vaginal Privilege card to prevent my arrest was a good thing, but she had another agenda. After the cops left, Janet turned to me, smiled, and gave me an ice cold gaze.
'I’m gonna make your life a living hell.' She threatened.
'Whatever you say, Janet.'
'Oh, you don’t believe me?'
'I don’t care. Just get out and stay out of my life.'
'You son of a b*tch! You don’t tell me what to do. Rest assured, you’ll see me again.'
After that fiasco that night, it was three months before I started dating again. In between that time, Janet sent voice mails and text messages about how I will never find a woman better than her. I blocked and deleted her number and she would call from private numbers. I recently met Erica Fischer, a CPA, at a coffee house. She’s a nice looking, petite woman. She’s 5-4, with brown hair, and wears glasses. She’s the total opposite of Janet, in terms of figure-- and personality. We hit it off quickly, and when Janet found out about us, she was enraged. She saw us coming out of the movie theater the other night.
'Hello Stuart. I see you’re not alone.'
'No, I’m not Janet.' I replied.
'Who is this?' She asks.
'I’m Erica,' She says, extending a handshake to Janet, who refused. 'Who are you?'
'I wasn’t talking to you, I’m talking to him.'
'She told you her name, why be so hostile?'
'I don’t believe this! You dropped me for this b*tch?'
'Hey, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t disrespect her like that.'
Janet chuckles. 'She’s a f**king dork.'
'Stuart, you actually dated this atrocity?' Erica asks.
'Atrocity? B*tch, you’re dead.'
She approached Erica; I stepped in front to shield her from Janet. A bystander who noticed the confrontation attempts to break it up and inadvertently received a punch in the face that was meant for me.
'Oh my...I am so sorry.” Janet says, checking on the guy. She stares at me with infuriation. 'You see what you made me do?!'
'So it's my fault you’re an unstable, irrational hot-head?'
'Unstable? Oh, it’s on! Remember what I told you that night, Stuart. Don’t ever forget!'
Janet scurried away. Myself, Erica, and a few other bystanders checked on the guy-- who insisted that he was okay-- and helped him to his feet. You know, I once heard that when a person shows who they truly are, believe it! Don't let them explain or rationalize it away, when they show you who they truly are, believe that.
And Janet has shown herself. That's who she truly is. What's sad is that she's a nice looking woman, with a great career and a bright future. There's no need to go psycho over one particular person. There are plenty of guys out there. At first, I was shocked to find out that she was single at the time, now I know why she's single. I think she bumped her head one time too many on the mat."
Wow, that was a heck of a match! Well, at least Stu won't have that problem with Erica. The worst that could happen with her is that she'll run off with his money, or screw him on his taxes. Hahahaha! That's our story for tonight folks. Come back next time for more Tales from the Storyteller.
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